We all dream of finding our true love, hoping that if we meet our perfect mate we’ll be happy. But, when we find the one we think is right we try to change them, or we blame them when we feel uncomfortable. We take their actions and behaviors personally and we get upset when our expectations haven’t been met. Then we wonder why the romance fizzled.
Relationships are misunderstood. We are taught that relationship is about gratification – my partner is here to make me happy. This is not true. No one else can make us happy if we are not happy within ourselves. To build great relationships we have to be willing to see our partners (and all the other people in our lives) as a beautiful mirror into ourselves; a mirror that reveals our love and joy and inner beauty, but also our unhealthy programs and patterns.
The Blame Game
Peaceful, loving relationships begin with a commitment to using the relationship as a means to see inside of ourselves. This can be done by taking responsibility – by letting go of blame. In other words, others do not cause us to feel the way we feel. Our reactions to them cause our feelings. When we stop the blaming we look at our own reactions as the source of our pain. The people in our lives then become a conduit for growth. Now, they do this unknowingly by being the only them they know how to be, but every time they push our buttons, something about us is being revealed. When we understand this, a pushed button becomes an opportunity for personal and spiritual development rather than a conflict. We heal our old programs and feel whole. We are no longer needy. Our relationships transform and we come together not in need, but as two whole people who bring out the love and happiness each have inside.
It’s also important to understand that nothing others say or do is about us, nor is what we do about them. We are all reacting and behaving based on our own fears, perceptions and past experiences. What we all want is to feel happy, peaceful and comfortable so we try to achieve those feelings in the best way we know how. For example, anger is never about the person we are angry at, but rather our need to change or manipulate that person so that we can feel comfortable. We use anger because we believe it will get us what we want and then we can feel happy or satisfied. Relationship is a vehicle to expose patterns like this so that we can heal those that take away our peace.
How can we have the fabulous relationships we’ve always hoped for? By taking responsibility for our own reactions rather than blaming others for how we feel. We must ask ourselves why we are reacting. If we are constantly taking things personally then that is an indication that we need to be more self-loving. If we are always getting angry with people, perhaps we need to be more accepting of the things we cannot change. If the actions of others bring up a feeling of worry then we need to learn to let go of worry as opposed to attempting to change the people who bring out our worry (besides, worry is the most useless emotion, it helps and changes nothing). Taking responsibility for our own reactions has fabulous payoffs. Without blame we have less defensiveness and more harmony. When we try to change our partners (so that we can feel comfortable) we create a painful cycle of finger pointing, manipulation and neediness. When we accept our partner we experience the amazing feeling of loving unconditionally. We need to be thankful for the painful moments because they give us a chance to work on the only one we can work on – our self. When we see the tough moments in relationship as beautiful opportunities for growth, we begin to enjoy everything that relationship has to offer…and our relationships become fulfilling and exciting.
Simple tips to keep in mind:
- See the difficult moments as opportunities
- No blame – take responsibility for your own reactions
- Practice the art of allowing – you can’t change your partner
- Focus on what you have rather than what you don’t have
Bonnie Moehle is a Self Realization Coach and Author of “What is Happiness and Where Can I Get Some?” Included in her teachings are the how to’s for letting go of stress, fears, worry, depression and anger. Her Life Balancing program is designed to promote joy, peace, health, better relationships and overall well-being. “I teach people to be happy”. For an appointment call 602.717.6228 or to order her book visit www.lifebalancingcoach.com.