AFM: Tell me a little bit about your story and how you’ve managed motherhood while raising a son with autism.
Gayle Nobel: Looking back at life, it’s very much a ‘one step at a time’ deal. Just seeing that is such a big deal because it’s hard and challenging at times. Raising kids is that way anyway. But, when you have a child that doesn’t learn in the normal ways and doesn’t respond in the normal ways, it just really challenges you to step outside of your comfort zone and to figure things out. There are a lot of questions that you’re unsure about. And there were things that if I had to go back, I probably wouldn’t do them or I would do them differently. But I think we just figured it out, one step at a time. It was important for us [Nobel and her husband] to make time as a couple, too. There was a lot of juggling, but fortunately I married a really wonderful person. So, my husband was always available. We also made time for our other kids, our two daughters who we had after Kyle. We were aware that we needed to make time for them too. We also were fortunate in the sense that we had a lot of help. I never felt like I had to do it all myself. I focused on the fact that I was just doing the best that I could. I think that my attitude made a difference and I didn’t want to take the ‘victim stance.’ I did everything that I could within reason.
AFM: Do you think that having your son first changed the way that you raised your two daughters? Or were there any specific characteristics that you had picked up while raising him that translated into how you parented your other children?
GN: Definitely! I think I actually just appreciated them tremendously. I just thought it was amazing how they developed. They just start talking, and he’s never talked. We nurtured them, we read to them and we provided them with experiences, but they were on this beautiful auto-pilot that kids are on, that I don’t think people appreciate unless they’ve had somebody who hasn’t been on that auto-pilot. I also think that being Kyle’s mom just has made me a better human. So, I think there was probably just a better human coming to them as a mother.
AFM: There’s a quote at the beginning of your “Resistance” chapter that really struck me. The quote reads: “Autism is often symbolized by a puzzle piece. There’s a search for missing elements that will yield fix, solutions. I’m going to propose that the missing piece of the puzzle is something to know and understand, rather than something to fix.” What are people trying to fix? And do you still follow the sort of unending search for that “missing piece?”
GN: I don’t follow it much anymore. I used to. But I finally learned after many years that there is no, ‘the answer,’ because everybody is so different. One thing that could help one person doesn’t necessarily help another person. So, I don’t feel like I’m looking for that anymore. What would be nice, is more understanding. I know that there’s research being done. Do we want to know ahead of time that a child is going to be autistic so that they can be aborted? Is that what we’re going for? Personally, I don’t see that as being a very good idea, to decide which kind of human being is valuable. I don’t follow much anymore. But the fix to me is more understanding. And the fix to me is also more support for adults, because there are a ton of things for children. And the truth is that the programs that are out there for adults right now, aren’t so good. So, to me, that’s the fix.
AFM: One thing that I particularly loved in the book was the mix of the chapters and of your own personal poems. What prompted you to add that element into the book?
GN: I have not written a lot of poetry in my life. But for some reason when I was working on the book, they [the poems] just sort of came out. And I was like, ‘Well, do I want to include those? Is that weird?’ I didn’t really have enough to alternate poems and stories. But ended up being a really funny element to add into the book.
